Some place in one’s heart

 I had a formative lightbulb moment this morning. Where we are in our hearts shapes the question, shapes the thought even before the question, shapes the tone of voice, shapes the face features.

I could, probably should have asked that person where his questions were coming from, from curiosity, from care, from assumptions, from jealousy, etc. ? Instead I answered with facts, the way I always do, honestly. I’ve swallowed up the shame, the discomfort, the strangeness of my situation. And I leave it to ‘them’ to swallow theirs. After all, you want to know, well, here it is.

Following the realisation that I didn’t know, I didn’t feel where this person was ‘coming from’ as we casually say, I opened up to... I don’t know what. I don’t know what that person is gonna do with my story, with the very few little bits he got after the at least 3 large beers he swallowed up earlier. I can imagine taking this to his wife who knows me too within the same environment and it’s gonna occupy half an hour of their breakfast this morning. Since he mentioned retirement could mean loneliness and boredom!

When I’m asked, and sometimes I volunteer if I feel the slight curiosity as I don’t believe in the saying ‘pour vivre heureux, vivons cachés’, I readily give a summary of my last 4 years.. it doesn’t take long.

From these few minutes sharing of my circumstances with someone I knew of theirs, interestingly enough!, I’ve also learnt about myself, which place I was answering from. Even though I’ve overcome most of the shame, discomfort, strangeness of my position, I still carry guilt, a sense of oddness in a very conservative environment - adding to my ‘natural’ oddness of being a native of France in the English kingdom! - and a sense of ill-fitting.

As someone was reminding me recently, we in fact all have strange lives, and we don’t see the strangeness of ours most often, buried in a succession of thoughts and actions, a routine. I have to focus on my rights in this country - he even started ‘well, I suppose you’re not a citizen’ despite seeing me for 2 or 3 years in the same pub, showing no knowledge of visa situations! - and focus on the individuals who have shown interest, compassion and trust. It is very hard for an Anglo-saxon to be curious, it is not in their DNA but still, everyone is curious of their new neighbour after a while!

It’s gonna have to be a regular healthy checkup to do with myself, instead of drowning in other people’s judgment, fear and assumption. I can do that.

 14 Feb 2021 - China is fishing 20%, yes one 5th, of the world fishes.

Life and/or Death

I am still in awe at how one can make a movie on suicide, rather against suicide and for life, utilising the cinematographic format of what is to my Western European culture, a comedy, a musical, a farce!
I am talking about an Indian movie set in Canada (Indian diaspora) in the Punjabi language subtitled in English just released this month, in July 2019, titled Ardaas Karaan.
I am also in awe at the crowd; an Indian crowd of probably 50 people, with or without turbans, families, and a few very young children, as young as 5! We are only 2 European-looking people in the theatre, my Pakeha friend and myself, in that Gisborne movie theatre.
We are sooo out of place that a young man joins us as soon as the movie’s finished to ask us to let him shoot a wee video where we’re going to talk about our feelings towards the movie! Before that, he makes sure we enjoyed the movie.
That’s how we learn that this movie isn’t welcomed in India; we don’t know why though, the conversation couldn’t last too long. Screening at 8.40pm, movie lasts 2h40, the theatre staff is eager to close their doors!
I hadn’t invited my friend to share thoughts on suicide at all. The screenplay mentions conflicts of generation, especially in a migrant environment. This is the actual context but there’s no emphasis nor attempt at deciphering what is a conflict between generations and how to solve it. The main issue in the movie is definitely ‘do humans have a right/can/should be able to take their own lives?’.
And to question this, several characters, mainly male (why is this?) are presented, each with their own issue and view.
I am guessing that the director and actor Gippy Grewal is a Sikh, and so is his main character Magic Singh. I’ve met Sikh people before and I know how positive they are; how positive their religious and philosophical beliefs make them. However the movie, using religious texts, claims that all religions can live together, understand each other, and should share the same appetite and respect for life.

I apologise this review isn’t finished I suppose, but months have passed, and so it is.